How to be a mum and still keep your friends

When you have a baby, your friendships change in unexpected ways. Here’s how to enjoy your new ‘mummy mates’ and still keep your old ‘pre-kid’ friends.

Your baby’s arrival turned your world upside down in ways you never could have foreseen. But it’s not just the number of nappies you get through in a day, the sheer volume of washing to be done or even the number of hours’ sleep you don’t get at night that’s surprising. It’s the way key relationships in your life suddenly change, says relationship expert and psychologist Linda Blair.

‘Everything shifts: partners become dads, parents become grandparents, sisters become aunties,’ she says. ‘But, even more unexpectedly, the role your girlfriends play in your life as a new mother alters dramatically.’

On the one hand, you need other people’s support more than ever to help you through the unknown territory that is motherhood. When you’ve been up all night with a crying baby, a cup of coffee and a reassuring chat with a good friend can work wonders. On the other hand, however, you’re tired, emotional and living a totally different life to the old, pre-baby you. Childless friends can struggle to understand your new lifestyle. And even new mummy mates made in haste at a postnatal class may not have turned into the friendships you had hoped for.

But with more than 70% of new mums saying they would like more friends, according to a recent online survey*, there’s no doubt that support from female friends plays a huge part in how much you enjoy the first weeks and months of motherhood.

So what’s the secret to the new friendship landscape? Follow our experts’ wise words and you’ll end up with relationships that are richer and more supportive than ever.

First, the good news: motherhood can be the gateway to some fantastically strong adult friendships. Many new mums find the women they meet at post-natal classes or baby and toddler groups become lifelong soulmates. It’s just a case of having the confidence to get out there and find them.

‘We’re genetically disposed to care for our children in groups,’ says Linda. ‘This means we bond readily with other mothers, even if we’re as different as chalk and cheese in every other aspect of our lives.

‘As your children forge their own friendships, it becomes natural for whole families to socialise together,’ she says. There’s no doubt that having children around the same age as each other is a fantastic basis for a friendship.

‘It’s incredibly bonding to breastfeed together in public for the first time, for example,’ says Linda. ‘And we never forget the friends who are there for us when we’re completely exhausted and need a shoulder to cry on.’

Lisa, 31, a pharmacist, is mother to Holly, four, and Imogen, two. ‘I’ve made my closest friends since I had a baby,’ she says. ‘Suddenly, we had a strong common ground. The solidarity is amazing with these woman and there’s so much to talk about. I can say things like, “I shouted at Holly for no reason and feel really bad.” It helps to be able to share those things and feel supported.’

Similarly, Kath, 29, full-time mum to Jimmy, two, agrees that motherhood has really brought her out of herself. ‘I was quite shy beforehand,’ she says. ‘But since having Jimmy I’ve made friends more easily and feel like I’ve got more to contribute. It’s actually done wonders for my social life.’

One word of warning: ‘Just beware of the competitive aspect,’ says Kate Figes, author of baby book classic Life After Birth (£9.99, Virago) and mother of two. ‘We mothers bond with each other for mutual support, but also to reassure ourselves we’re doing OK, if not better, than everyone else. Steer clear of anyone who makes you feel diminished.

‘Some mummy friendships will be genuine and lasting,’ she says. ‘Others will be great for a while but ultimately you may find you have little in common.’

But what of your old friends – the ones who are still in the office, or out drinking and dating, while you’re at home with a newborn? For many new mothers, maintaining these pre-baby relationships can be a challenge.

Mary, 33, a journalist, is mother to Jessica, one. ‘The only spare time I have is after I’ve put my daughter to bed,’ she says. ‘By the time I’ve caught up with my husband the last thing I feel like doing is ringing my friends.

‘I lost contact with one of my closest girlfriends because I was so bad at keeping in touch,’ she says. ‘She just didn’t seem to understand why. Even though I’ve since made friends with other mothers, I really regret losing her.’

Few of us understand just how much motherhood changes our friendships until it’s actually happening. ‘Then we suddenly realise that we haven’t spoken for months to those we were in daily contact with before,’ says Kate.

‘It’s hard enough for new mothers to think about their own needs let alone those of their friends,’ she says. ‘Small children are all-consuming and there’s suddenly a huge division of interest between you and friends who don’t have any.

‘But while our identity gets wrapped up with motherhood for very good reasons, holding on to who you were before your children came along is crucial for making motherhood work in the first place.’

The key to keeping your old friendships flourishing – or at least alive – is to make the most of what little spare time you do have. ‘Spontaneous mid-week cocktails or last-minute trips to the cinema may no longer be an option,’ says Linda. ‘But you will have time to do the little, sensitive things that really matter, like sending a birthday card or an email that just lets a friend know that you’re thinking about her.’

And make sure you remember there is a world beyond your new baby – gorgeous though she is. ‘When you do get chance to talk, be sure not to go on too much about your child,’ says Kate. ‘The same goes for when you meet up – ask friends about their news as well as telling them yours.’ The key is to take an interest in their lives, so they feel a part of your new world.

‘You should also be aware that friends without children can feel irritated by you but often won’t know why,’ says Linda. ‘Females are predisposed to feel threatened by women who have children when they don’t. This can mean that those most vulnerable to losing their friends are those who are the first in the group to have a baby.’

Adding a baby to your life means you have to let some things go, so don’t be afraid to take stock of your friendships. ‘The odd friendship is bound to slide,’ says Linda. ‘Particularly if the basis of the relationship – say, both going clubbing every Friday – no longer exists. But with a bit of goodwill on both sides, you can maintain your bond through the upheaval of becoming a mum.’

Remember the overwhelming stage of early motherhood passes – often all too quickly. If you value your friends, it’s wise to try to hang on to them through the crazy days of sleep-deprivation, endless nappies and breastfeeding. Your clubbing days may not be over quite yet...

 

1. The NCT buddy

She’s an insurance broker, while you work in a restaurant. Your worlds would have never normally collided, but your babies are six months old before you even discover what the other does for a living.

 

2. So-and-so’s girlfriend/cousin/ sister/colleague

Before having a baby, you vaguely recognised her. But post-birth bonding means you know how cracked her nipples are, when her baby has a bowel movement and when she had sex for the ‘first’ time.

 

3. Your next-door neighbour

You only ever saw her twice a year but now you bump into each other daily. Whether she’s elderly or a stay-at-home mum, suddenly you’re both happy to chat for hours about the little bundle in your arms.

4. The established mummy

She was the mum at work who never stayed for drinks, always on the phone to her childminder. Now you hang on her every word about everything from sterilising to sleep routines. She’s even passed you on a sackful of gorgeous newborn outfits.

5. The swings friend

You hit the park at 3pm every day singing, ‘Weee!’ in the playground. It’s only a matter of time before the next stop together is the local café and you and she – and your children – are best of friends. 

Source:  http://www.askamum.co.uk/Mum/Search-Results/Relationships/How-to-be-a-mum-and-still-keep-your-friends/